Picture the scene. A handsome girl in a wetsuit hobbles across a pebbled beach, her face contorted in pain as she makes her way down the stony gauntlet towards the sea. She tenderly tiptoes into the waves and slowly slowly wades deeper and deeper into the ocean. Before too long she is up to her chin in the salty seaswift, bobbing up and down amongst the seaweed and seashells.
Not that amazing a story. Except the girl was ME. And I have a fear of the ocean.
Aquaphobia (Fear of water)
Well, I'm afraid of water in general. Don't get me wrong, I have showers and baths and drink water from the tap, use it to wash things in, I agree it's vital, but I have a fear of masses of water. I can't put my face or head under water because I'm too worried that my breathing reflex will continue and I'll breathe the water in, deep into my lungs. Even when washing my face in the sink or shower I have to take a gigantic breath and go in veryveryquickly, cleancleanclean and quickly out *EXHALE*.
And to make things worse, in the exact same seaside scenario at the same beach a year ago, The Boy thought it a reasonable gesture to hold me down as a big wave crashed over me. I didn't have time to breathe, I had salt in my eyes, salt in my mouth, in my lungs, in my veins. It was a living nightmare.
You see, when I was a smaller Hannan and had to go to school without being paid, I had to go to swimming lessons at the local leisure centre. We started out in the baby pool, which is much warmer than the grown up pool and obviously much shallower. We had a great tine, blowing bubbles out our gobs, using floats and kick kick kicking, playing mermaids, being warm and lovely. We were a family. But then...graduation day came and we were told that if we passed the swimming test we could upgrade to the grown up pool, where we would be WITHOUT floats and in the COLD water...
No deal.
My cleverbrain went into overdrive to concoct a plan and on 'judgement day', I climbed into the baby pool and demonstrated an epic fail in swimming. I slithered around in the water, kicking all over the place like a baby lamb being born. The plan worked. They thought I couldn't swim and thus, I got to stay in the baby pool an extra year. BOOM.
(As a result however, I never actually learnt good swimming skills and thus cannot swim confidently or effectively, ergo I have a fear of water and assumne it is trying to drown me)
The ocean terrifies me not just because I'm a weak swimmer, it holds many dangers of which I am well aware. I've watched Jaws, I've watched Free Willy, Titanic, Open Water, I've watched Finding, Nemo, HELLO? There is nothing good in the ocean, only bad, scary things. (And if you've ever been to Blackpool, there's more than big fish out to get you in them waters, let me tell you).
One day I'm going to swim around the world, as it's the only way to conquer my fears. But until then, I'll put my jelly shoes on and tiptoe into the waves to paddle, swim in the baby pool at the leisure centre and NEVER go walking by a canal at night.
Love Hannan xx
P.S. I really did get neck deep into the ocean last week, and The Boy was as good as gold, he didn't drown me once! Of course, there was no swimming, just standing on the ocean floor but neck deep is the necks step to swimming the channel.
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