I learned something this year. Exactly 11 months ago today in fact.
And this thing I learned has become one of those pivotal moments that occur in life only very occasionally. I realized, truly realized this...
I am mortal. And Life is pretty short...
Now obviously, before that moment I had a basic understanding (B at GCSE) of how human beings work, of course I did. I sat in biology and listened to how we are born real small and cute, then grow up, sometimes make our own small humans, get old, deteriorate and then...die. But this 'science' had never really transferred from my head, down my neck into my chest and settled in my heart. I was invincible and I had all the time in the world.
It took a tragedy to kickstart me back to life. And after that moment I knew I had to do something significant, that I would remember forever. I did what I always do when I reach a foggy crossroads. I prayed. And I talked to The Boy. But no lightbulbs came on. I love it in cartoons when the lightbulb clicks on above their heads and they do something amazing. But I had no lightbulb. I had a storm cloud and a huge question mark.
In the months to follow, in realising that life was mega short, I dedicated my days to the small droplets of enjoyment I could mix into my comings and goings. Anything I could do that would make me think I was 'living life to the full'. Life was too short, for instance, to not dye my hair pink, so I did that... Life was too short to eat healthy vegan salads whilst Dominos pizza was still in existence, so that also happened. A lot... And Life was certainly too short to have an early night on a Thursday before school when there was an Elton John tribute on at my favourite cocktail bar! (Hello..? Honky Cat!!)
Then, our best friends, who had also felt the cataclysmic change of the tragedy, were sat with us in the pub and they announced that they were dropping their sensible-grown-up-go-to-work-and-pay-bills lifestyle and were going to be travelling the world to learn about organic farming and community living.
LIGHTBULB...
I am a homebird. I feel very 'Christopher Columbus' just by living in Surrey, 237 miles away from where my family live in Preston! But when my friends told us about their coming adventure and I saw joy sparkle in their eyes, anticipation and freedom in their smiles, I realized that I need to see the world. There lies my challenge and there lies the answer to the question that had been haunting me: What can I do in response to my new-found understanding of life? What can I do that might challenge me? Change me?
And so in exactly 1 month, The Boy and I will be jetting off to India, the first of 10 countries we will explore over the next 12 months.
Before planning this trip, I spent a great deal of my time fighting feelings of inadequacy, feeling like I wasn't making half the difference to the world as some of my friends. I imagined God with a hierarchical points chart on his wall, examining what everyone was up to...
"Oh yes, there's Cindy and Karl feeding the hungry babies in Africa, that's 100 points...Let's see now, ah yes, there's Pauline visiting the street children in their slum, ok so that's 90 points to her... and.. hmm.. Hannan there, merely chatting to a homeless man in Preston... oh dear, only 10 points I'm afraid! Keep trying Hannan!"
When we shared with family and friends the news that something exciting was going to be happening in our lives, the first thing they said (after "OH! You're pregnant?!) was "Wow! How exciting! And what will you be doing in these countries?" At this point, The Boy and I would look at each other and he would have to speedily interject with the truth ("Just enjoying life, reconnecting with each other, with the world, with God") before I blatantly lied in my panic ("Oh err, building orphanages, helping blind old ladies, err... blocking up volcanoes, sewing up the ozone layer, you know, helpful things!") I was worried that it seemed ever so selfish of us to spend a whole year 'just enjoying life'...
But then, I took a step back. I took a fresh hard look at who I truly believe my God is. And I realized that I believe in an active, alive God. I believe in a God who can use me to make the world a more loving place, wherever I am (even Preston!) I don't think you need to be in Africa, India, slums or shanty towns to be making a difference. Don't get me wrong. There has been some amazing work done in these places and of course these people need love and help. But I reckon The Boy and I have been given a secret 007 undercover mystery mission. So secretive we don't even know what it is yet.
Maybe we will meet someone who has no friends or family. Someone who is can't bear the loneliness another moment. Maybe we can become family to that person and remind them they are loved.
Maybe we will see such beauty and love in the world that it will refresh the sense of awe we were born with, the awe of a child seeing a huge tree or a thunderstorm or a rainbow. My class ran to the window and stared for about 15 minutes at a rainbow a couple of weeks ago. I was all "Sit down! It's just a rainbow, keep doing your maths and writing and learning and that!" And they were all "Err.. excuse me, this is insane and beauty and wow, and I'm gonna keep looking if you don't mind." They learned about the beauty of a rainbow that day. Adults have lost that wonder. I want mine back.
Or maybe it will re-ground us. Remind us of how loved and cared for we are, how much 'stuff' we have that we don't need, how much wealth, how amazing our NHS and education system is. How important friends and family are.
I'm so excited to find out parts of our secret mission as the year progresses. I'll be blogging from around the world in case you are interested in all the goings-on!
Now excuse me but I must dash. I'm going to grab a Pina Colada, sing and braid The Boy's hair because, hey, Life's Too Short!
Love Hannan xxx
