"NO" 100 lighters and "NO" rhumba of rattlesnakes!

I saw this movie once about a man who got some magic into him and then he had to say "Yes" to everything he was asked because he was a real ol' meanie and the magician thought if he said "yes" to people instead of "no" then he would be a nicer person. I thought the concept was a bit flawed though because what if someone said "Have you seen someone prettier than me today?", or "Does my chin look big in this...?" or "Do you want the last mini egg?" (hoping he would say no). Yes isn't always the best answer. That's what my brain tells me...I wish it would tell my mouth sometimes...

I have this anxiety thing where I say "yes" in panic to tricky (or sometimes easy) questions just to escape an awkward situation.

I once went into B&Q because I was meeting The Boy in 10 minutes and had to kill some time. I was wandering around looking at wallpaper samples and checking my watch when I heard an announcement on the loudspeaker....

             "In 4 minutes, any customers standing by the table in the garden furniture section of the store
                                 will win a special prize..."

My ears pricked up. My brain was saying "NO NO don't bother! It'll be something you don't need and you'll definitely have to spend money. SAY NO" but my feet were already walking.
I got there and stood waiting patiently alongside 3 other people. 'Twas a bit embarrassing because we all knew why the others were there so we just looked at the garden furniture casually until the lady appeared behind the table. To cut a long story short, the 'prize' was a postcard sized sample of a magic cloth called Magicloth and as there were only 3 other people next to me (actually 2, one bailed after getting the wonderous prize) the woman made eye contact through her entire presentation and pretty much asked me personally if I wanted to buy a full size Mummy Magicloth to go home with the baby one I already had. Of course my anxious mouth had said "Yes please" before my brain had registered the question and I left the shop with not just 1 A2 sized Magicloth but 6!!! AND a Magicloth MOP!

I cannot say "no" in awkward situations. I once went into the bank a few years back to ask them to change my mobile number on their file and left with a Gold account...somehow. I went home and told my Dad and he came back into the bank WITH ME and asked them to cancel the account, informing them I had got confised and didn't really need to pay £20 a month for global travel insurance. Embarrassing.

It's a nightmare! When I go into shops, banks, answer the door, The Boy has to come with me if there is any slight chance I might be offered anything ever at all.

One day, The Boy was not with me and I stood on my doorstep for an HOUR just smiling, nodding and taking literature and books from a Jehova's Witness because I was too scared to say "no thanks, I don't need this literature, I already know about God". I've walked away backwards from street information people (the ones with the clipboards) saying all kinds of things to get them to break eye contact with me...

..."oh, I really erm.... ahh you see I'm late for...ah....OK, I will in a minute..on my way back...?"

instead of just saying "no thankyou".

I fear that I will end up in a house with many useless items like a hundred lighters ("6 lighters for a pound lady?") or a rhumba of rattlesnakes ("Could you hatch these eggs for me Hannan?") or a lodger who sells my nail varnishes for crack ("Can my buddy stay with you when he comes out of jail Hannan?")

I think "YES" has its place. Like when someone says
                              "Do you have a minute? I could do with a shoulder to cry on",
or
                      "Can you spare some change?"
or
            "Big Issue miss?"

But I think it takes a strong smile and a confident Hannan to say a kind "no". BUT today I did that. A man rang up asking if I would like to discuss the cost of storing my belongings in a big yellow crate (...?) and I said "No thankyou, I don't need to store my belongings in a big yellow crate. Have a nice weekend"

And I think he will. And so will I.

 

Love Hannan x :)

I love love...

Once upon a time a man called Valentine fell in love. Someone shot a love arrow through his heart and he loved everyone he saw from that moment onwards...

I love love...

I love the kind of love I have for my family. Imagine that house out of 'UP'. Every happy memory I have of my family is like adding one more balloon onto that old man's little house. That time my Dad walked me down the road to the petrol station that was being rebuilt and we watched the diggers and lorries, and then he bought me some chocolate for my 'Friday treat'...
                                     ...there's a little blue balloon tied onto the house...

That time my Mum painted my nails when I felt ugly to make me feel beautiful...
                ...there's a little yellow balloon tied to the house...

That time my sister wrote me a note just saying she hoped I'd had a nice day and stuck it on my door to see when I came home from school....
                                                    ...there's a little pink balloon tied to the house...

All of those times and a million more meaning that the house is lifted up so high that nothing can pull it down or stop it flying. That's how I feel about the kind of love I have for my family. It makes me soar.

The kind of love I have for The Boy is sort of the opposite. Him and I are trees, planted next to each other in a field. Instead of balloons lifting me up and away, I feel like our love grounds and fastens me tightly to the ground. No storm will uproot us. Every word of encouragement we give each other, every hug or kiss we share, each time he says he loves me, or I say love to him, we grow more roots and reach them deeper. I hope that in 50 years, we will be like two ancient gnarled Oak trees in a farmer's field. Every year the farmer will say "eeh I wish I could get rid of them old trees but their roots are so deep, and they are so solid it would be impossible! Anyway they are beautiful and wonderful so they can stay in my field forever..." That's how I feel about the love I have for The Boy. It grounds me.

I love the kind of love I have for my friends. A good friendship is symbiotic (a word I learnt from my friend's 3 year old son!) which means we work together, like an Olive Baboon and an African Elephant. (Google it if you don't believe me! They're best pals!) You need a shopping buddy? I'm there. I need a shoulder to cry on? You're there!
I sometimes wonder if the reason people do kind things is because they hope that someday down the line, they will be repaid their good deed, like believing in karma. I hope not. I am trying hard to do my 'kind deed every day' and so far it's going OK. I try to show my love for people by trying hard to help them when they need help. Some of my friends have had a really tough time recently and I imagine they feel a bit like the future is a foggy forest, there's no way of knowing which way they are going or the outcome of their trials. It's a horrible feeling, knowing there's nothing I can do to make things right, so all I can do is be helpful. I sometimes worry this isn't enough but I can't make the world right except by loving people. So that's what I'll do. If they need me they know they can ask and I'm always there.

That's the best thing about love. It's always there :)

Love love love Hannan :)

P.S. Happy Valentine's Day! Hope you felt loved on Thursday.

Imagine...

When I'm trying to go to sleep and waiting for the sandman to come and sprinkle sleepy sand into my eyes, I imagine things. Sometimes it's what I'd do in a zombie situation, but usually it's not. One of my favourite imagines is a world without bad thoughts. "How childish and naiive!" I hear you cry but hold them horses right there a moment. It's really tricky to imagine all the things that would be different if there were no bad thoughts (and as a result, no bad actions) in our semi-sad world. Here are some of my observations of my imagines...

1. Sorry Locksmiths. No work for you. There would be no need for locks because people wouldn't steal and so everything can be left unlocked. You could just walk to your car, open the door, get in and push a button to drive away! No fumbling about for keys in bottomless bags, or trying to lift an arm laden with 7 Tesco bags up, all trembling with pain, to reach the key into the lock of your front door (an actual anecdote from last night when me and Crazy Meg did the shopping). Don't worry Timpsons, you can turn your hand to making tiny medals to give out to people as love gestures.

2. No CRB forms! Which means less paperwork. Need I say more?

3. No need to pay money into prisons or owt, so more moeny to spend on national treats such as "Pancake Party day!" on which the governement makes pancakes for everyone in Britain and David Cameron is in charge of the squeezy chocolate sauce. We could also spend money on lovely things like painting some of the road markings pink (double pink lines could mean that you HAVE to stop on them and do a little dance in your car)

4. People would still think of others and behave like Ladies and Gentlemen. Young men wouldn't walk extra quick to get in front of you as you are going up the steps into Pizza Express, sneak in a closing door and let it smash closed as you reach it! (Another true story which happened recently. Humph) Men would tip their hats and say Good Day as they passed you in the street, rather than pull the peak of their cap further down over their face to avoid having to do eye-smiling at you. And people would leave kind notes on your car even if they didnt know you, just to make your heart warm.

It's got me old brain whizzing this imagine has... I'd like to declare a late entry to the New Year;s Resolution declarations: I would like to try and do 1 act of kindness every single day. And I will try to record them and tell you all about it. I expect it will be hard. Sometimes I feel cross with the world, like a big old raincloud at a family picnic and I have to shake myself and say "Hannan...stop. Be sunshine not hailstones"

We'll see. Today was my first day and I got my friend Sam some delicious tea (lemon and ginger) to drink at work. That was an easy one.

Wish me luck y'all!
Hannan xxx

P.S. Blogger tells me that people from other countries have visited my blog and it made me feel special. If you are from another country to the UK, please say hello to me!! If you're from this kingdom you're allowed to too. :)